Dear God...
It's not that I don't enjoy being a mother....but please help me to understand.....please help me to be happy.....I really can't do this on my own...
Each day goes by and is
exactly the same as the day before....the only thing that differentiates them....are the proportions.
One day it's the kids screaming that may take a larger piece of the pie....or maybe it's the day when all the milk finds it's way onto the carpet....again. It can be the feeling that every 5 minutes I am wrestling one of my screaming children to the floor to change a diaper or the times that I wonder if there is any bodily fluid that has not landed on my clothing. Is it the day that I find them tearing apart my "important" papers....throwing the clean laundry onto the floor....emptying out their entire closet of toys.....sticking
their head in the toilet trying to give their friends a proper send off....eating
Kleenex....trying to shoot each other with the letter L....licking the dog....potty training themselves...cleaning the bathroom with their toothbrush....pulling the trash out of the can....eating the dogs food. Or maybe its the day they decide to eat diaper rash cream....(opps...call poison control)....or maybe 2 days later they want to suck on a air freshener wick.....(hello poison control? yeah...its me again) And sometimes, God, it's just a day they can't seem to stop crying.....or maybe
that's me.
God, It can be 5 days OR MORE before I even realize that I have not left the house, changed my clothes, showered!! Days fly by.....and so does life....and before you know it...it's been years ....and you know what? I cannot even remember the last time I went out with friends....
or my husband. It's that cloud that lingers ....no, not the one brought on by all the diapers in the garbage can....but the symbolic cloud that has taken away....the feeling of purpose.
Please God, help me find that balance that everyone (including myself) talks about. I know exactly what I would say to anyone describing their life (as mine) to me. I even hear those little voices in my head telling me the obvious. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! DO SOMETHING!! BRUSH YOUR TEETH!! BUT...it's not always easy to do the simple things like go to the gym ....take the kids to the park. I know....I know....there ARE times when that really sounds great and I am
absolutely positively all set to go. BUT....then the day comes....and I talk myself out of it. Sometimes it's just easier to stay at home...to not have to explain why you may not be the best of company....rather drab...less then lively...COMATOSE. I just don't think anyone would truly understand. It's not that I am trying to be anti-social...the truth is I am just...well....
tired. Tired of
being tired.....tired of watching days and sometimes WEEKS pass....before the
simplest tasks are accomplished. Tired of
hoping I will someday have a clean house, healthy meals, adequate sleep...good hygiene! I am tired of waiting for something to do that will bring me back into the human race again....but most of all....I am tired of feeling guilty....
because of these feelings.
Please God, you know me better then I
ever will....would you mind taking over for a little while.....I just need some time to understand all this....so if that sounds ok with you....I think I'm just gonna take a step back and let you take the lead...
Thanks for listening....again...